HEY INTERNET, YOUR AGE IS SHOWING.

It seems like every day a self-loathing writer tackles the subject of how horrible turning 30 is, but as a recent graduate of my 20's I can honestly say that it feels good. 

I won't lie, leading up to the big three-o, I approached my birthday the same way I approached the potential Mayan Apocalypse of 2012. Publicly, I joked about it, but was secretly hoarding canned goods and listening to Bear Grylls survival skills podcasts. Except in this case, I was stocking-up on Spanx and trying to force myself to like dubstep.  However,  when my birthday came and I didn't melt into a puddle of control-top pantyhose and dentures, I realized that this milestone birthday was much like the Mayan Apocalypse. Overhyped. 

Actually, the only terrible side effect of 30 that I've observed so far, is that there is an alarmingly large amount of "journalists" in my age group who didn't get off so easily. From the articles I've read it seems that their thirtieths have been far more exciting — when they blow out the candles on their cake they seem to be sucked into an alternate doomsday universe/ Freddy Kruger Nightmare specifically tailored for 30-year-olds.  For instance, this article posted by Shape Magazine describes the hardships of working out in your 30's vs. your 20's as if we are all just spiraling into future without hope. Yet another article from a "news source" that  presents turning 30 as the deep a dark void of suck.

It's alarming to me how prevalent this self-effacing, age-shaming article slant has become. Maybe they are trying to hide the awesomeness that comes with being 30 to save the masses of media binging twenty-somethings from overwhelming jealousy? Who knows. However, to give hope to others soon to cross this aging thresh hold, here are some items I came up with to improve the aforementioned Shape article. 


1. BETTER WORK / LIFE BALANCE 

20's:

Your 20's are like an alcoholic, junk food binge version of "Groundhog Day". Party, Whataburger, Guilt-workout for 2+ hours, repeat.

30's:

This cycle sounds terrible to your 30 year old liver, which means less " sorry for partying " calories to be burned off at the gym!


2.   BETTER SKIN BECAUSE YOU AREN'T     CONSTANTLY TRYING TO IMPRES PEOPLE

*NOT TO MENTION YOU NOW ALSO HAVE A DERMATOLOGIST RECOMMENDED SKIN CARE REGIMEN — BECAUSE YOU ARE A GROWN-ASS WOMEN COMPLETE WITH HEALTH INSURANCE*

20's:

What if you meet your soul mate or worse run into an ex or a frenemy while at your barre class? Better put on a little make-up to look like one of Cara Delavigne's " I woke up like this selfies" just in case...

30's:

It takes you an hour to convince myself to change out of my sweats for a wedding, no way in hell are you putting in effort to go to the gym. Plus, spoil alert, any dude you meet at a barre class is not soul mate material. ‪#‎highmaintenance‬ ‪#‎pervert‬


3.  YOU APPRECIATE YOUR BODY 

20's:

I look fat in EVERYTHING, why did I start eating lunch again?

30's:

Seeing as you and your metabolism had a falling out a few years ago, you realize that you worked your ass off to look this good, and you are DAMN proud of it. Who cares if you aren't perfect? You are SO much healthier now. Your 30's are when you no longer have to give a f*ck about every little thing! Plus, you take slight satisfaction in knowing that unlike the taut 20 year old running next to you, you don't have to go out afterwards to maintain your friendships. You get to go home use that fancy salt scrub that makes you smell like how you imagine Beyonce's farts smell (Lemongrass with a hint of gold-dusted ginger) , a and binge-watch Netflix in your zebra print onesie, because you've earned it.